If you want to get rich quick,
here is the Nigerian blueprint. But please, don’t tell anyone I “wiki-leaked”
this highly-classified national secret to you.
With only some 50 years of
independent national existence, Nigeria is a country reeking with “new money.”
The overwhelming proportion of the millionaires and billionaires in the country
are “nouveau-riche;” they became rich literally “overnight.”
We are talking of people whose
wealth does not go beyond a generation. Indeed, the fantastic wealth of
Nigerian billionaires like Femi Otedola scarcely goes beyond ten/fifteen years.
Not only does Nigeria’s wealthy
few have a short history, they often have a short future as well. The money
comes “miraculously” and goes just as “miraculously.”
In my youth, S.B. Bakare was the
celebrated Nigerian tycoon. Highlife stars and juju musicians eulogised him in
their records. But ask a young Nigerian today who S.B. Bakare is, and I can bet
my bottom dollar he has never heard of him.
S.B. has fallen off the radar
and so has his wealth.
It is not identifiable by any
major industry or enterprise. His descendants may still be in litigation over
the dregs of his estate, but undoubtedly it is nothing to write home about
again. Certainly, nobody is singing about S.B. Bakare today.
There are now new pretenders to
his throne.
New dawn
Time was when wealthy Nigerians
built something, developed something, or made something. At that time, the rich
were truly captains of industry.
Alhaji Sanusi Dantata made his
fortune in the era of the groundnut pyramids in the North; buying and shipping
them for export.
Sir Odumegwu Ojukwu had
Nigeria’s largest fleet of inter-city “mammy-wagons.” He also imported “panla”
(dried fish) on a large scale.
Sir Mobolaji Bank-Anthony had a
tanker fleet and a pioneering charter airline.
Emmanuel Akwiwu, hauled oil-rigs
and supplies for British Petroleum.
Chief Timothy Adeola Odutola
produced bicycle tires for the growing army of Nigerian bike-riders.
But thanks to oil, much of
Nigerian wealth is no longer the product of such ventures.
Yes, we have billionaires like
Ibrahim Dasuki and Mike Adenuga who can still be rightfully described as highly
enterprising. But even more significantly, we have tycoons who came into wealth
through “wuru-wuru” and “mago-mago.”
These men are hardly Nigeria’s
Bill Gates. On the contrary, they don’t have a clue what to do with their
dubious wealth, and they are ignorant about wealth-creation.
As such, they add little of
value to the Nigerian project. Their praises may be sung today by their horde
of parasitical hangers-on, but they will not be remembered for good when they
are gone. As mysteriously as their wealth materialized, so will it vanish.
These men became rich through
some of the following tried and tested methods, which can be relied upon to
lead to one’s inclusion in the Nigerian Book of Irrelevant Rich Men.
If you want to get rich quick,
here is the Nigerian blueprint. But please, don’t tell anyone I “wiki-leaked”
this highly-classified national secret to you.
1. Rob a bank
This strategy has gone through
some transition. Bank-robbers used to be men of the underworld who held banks
hostage at gunpoint and then made off with the cash.
However, it was soon recognised
that this approach has distinct disadvantages. You might get arrested and
jailed. Even worse, you might get shot. It also became apparent that banks
carry limited amounts of cash.
Therefore, a successful bank
robbery of this violent kind might only land you perhaps 50 million naira tops,
which is not even enough to buy or build a house in Banana Island.
There is a better way to rob a
bank with far limited risk. Simply establish a bank.
When you establish a bank, you
can rob the bank every day without a gun. When people deposit money in
your
bank, they don’t know that they are handing over their life-savings to a thief.
You then rob the bank you
establish in a number of imaginative ways.
For example, you can lend money
to your bank and then charge it a very high interest-rate. Better still, you
can borrow billions from your bank and simply forget to pay it back. Or, you
can use the money deposited in your bank to buy houses and then rent them out
as branches to your bank at exorbitant prices.
This approach is guaranteed to
make you a few billion naira until the EFCC policemen come calling. When they
do, you can quickly fall sick, spend a few months in Deluxe Hospital Hotel and
then relocate to your village to enjoy your wealth, never to be heard of again.
2. Join the PDP
This one is a sure banker. As a
member of the greatest party in the history of Africa, you will be given a
credit-card to spend Nigeria’s oil wealth.
If you are not getting enough
attention in the party, make a lot of noise. Abuse Tinubu on the pages of the
newspapers and call Buhari an idiot. Insist that Goodluck Jonathan should not
only run for re-election unopposed in 2015, there should be a constitutional
amendment to make him a life-president.
This is a tell-tale sign that
you are hungry; and the powers-that-be will soon invite you to “come and chop.”
As a distinguished member of
this great party, the opportunities open for you to set yourself up for life
are considerable. For example, you can start collecting billions for petroleum
subsidy and simply not import any petrol whatsoever.
You can get the government to
change all car license-plates nationwide; and then become the sole supplier of
the new license-plates.
You can ask the president to
make you the sole importer and distributor of diesel for the entire country. Of
course, this might also entail that you become the chairman of his re-election
campaign, to which you duly make a handsome contribution.
Alternatively, you can ask to be
chairman of the Nigerian Ports Authority.
Nobody will bat an eyelid when,
within a matter of months, you have a fleet of cars, have two or three houses
in Asokoro, and own four hotels in Dubai.
You may even kick out your wife
and marry a fourteen-year-old “Suzie” befitting your new status.
You have arrived as one of
Nigeria’s celebrated rich men. But keep your eyes on the ball. Don’t get
distracted or carried away. The enemies of Mr. President must always remain
your enemies.
3. Start a mega-church
This one is pure genius.
Peradventure you lose your job or fall on hard times. Don’t go into depression.
Just start a church. Make it a purpose-built church.
Think of something that men
need. Tell them you have the anointing to provide it. Tell them whoever wants
to be a billionaire should come to your church.
Start a few of your messages
with “Thus says the Lord.” Then teach your congregation the everlasting
principles of sowing and reaping.
Make sure they understand that
if they really want God to bless them financially, they first have to give you
as much money as possible.
Create a special prayer group
for millionaires and billionaires. That way, if they get any new government
contract they will attribute it to the efficacy of your prayers and credit
something big into your bank account.
Tell everybody to give you their
“first-fruits.” That is a code word for their entire January salaries. Then
come up with imaginative offerings to collect, such as “prophet’s offering,”
(you, of course, being the prophet);
“Father, Son and Holy Ghost offerings;”
“Jesus will do it offering.”
Very soon, you will be flying
your own private jet to preach your gospel in Ilesha; you will be wearing white
Armani suits and jerry-curling your hair; you will be collecting gate-fees for
new years’ eve services; billionaire thieves and robbers will be queuing up to
see your private-secretary on the Lagos-Ibadan expressway; and you will be
inviting Bill Clinton to open your multi-billion naira Tower of Babylon in
Osapa-London.
In short, you will be living
large. For good measure, you will also be slapping demons out of poor bewitched
damsels with impunity.
4. Become a mule
There is high demand for this
job. There are many politicians and men of timber and caliber looking for
mules; men who can keep stolen money for them, or smuggle it to safe havens
abroad.
This is a highly lucrative job
because for every ten billion naira you smuggle, you can pocket one billion.
Don’t get greedy and come to the conclusion that you can make off with the
entire loot. That is a sure way to have assassins on your tail. Before they
kill you, they will first break your legs.
If you are caught while
smuggling money abroad, you can easily escape and come back home dressed as a
woman. Then you can get a national merit award.
If you are a mule for a president
or a governor, you are set up for life. You will get 24 hours military
protection so that no petty thief can come near you.
You will get to travel all over
the world. You will get free medical check-ups, so that you don’t just fall
down one day and die. That would be disastrous, especially if your sponsor does
not know exactly where you kept his loot, or if he does not have the password
to the secret account you opened for it in the Bahamas in the name of Ali Baba.
Obituary
I remember the story of a former
Nigerian Head of State who allegedly kept a billion dollars with a mule. Then
the mule had a stroke. Every effort was made to get him to say just a few
words, namely the number of the account where the loot was stashed; but to no
avail.
After a few months, the man
died. This “national” calamity has prompted the review of the conditions of
service of mules. There are now two new, strictly prohibited, clauses. Mules
must not have strokes, and under no circumstances should a mule presume to die.
If he does, his generations yet unborn will suffer for it.
(P.S./N.B. If you have perfected
other Nigerian approaches to quick wealth than these, don’t hesitate to let me
know. I promise to keep the matter strictly confidential.)
Culled
from Premium Times
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