Though they were never married while the relationship lasted, Okosun was controlling and abusive, as the damaged young lady claims.
Blessing, a student of Edo State School of Health Technology, says sometime in February, her ex-boyfriend beat her to the point that she could not attend school for some days. While she survived the beating, she is currently battling for her life at the University of Benin Teaching Hospital, where the doctors have told her that she needs expensive surgery overseas to regain her sight. This is very urgent, the doctors say; else, she risks losing her sight permanently.
Domestic violence is real and it goes on all around us all the time. In most cases, experts say, women are the victims; though research currently suggests that men also experience domestic violence.
Researchers from King’s College London’s Institute of Psychiatry, and the University of Bristol found that domestic violence can be a vicious cycle. They say domestic violence can often lead to victims developing mental health problems, and people with mental health problems are more likely to experience domestic violence.
The research, published in the journal PLOS ONE, discloses that worldwide estimates suggest that over their lifetime, between 15 and 71 per cent of women experience physical or sexual violence from a partner.
An online resource portal, vaw.umn.edu, notes that abuse can be sexual when the aggressor attacks the victim’s sexual organs, engages in forced sexual activities, pressures the victim to have sex, or commits rape (including marital/partner rape).
Experts also say it could be physical, such as pushing, shoving, grabbing, slapping, punching, restraining, etc. It could be physical intimidation (blocking doors, throwing objects), use of weapons or stalking.
It may be emotional or psychological — threats and coercive tactics, controlling what the victim can and cannot do, undermining a victim’s self-worth and self-esteem, humiliation, denigration, blaming the abuse on the victim, name-calling and yelling.
It may also be economic, such as maintaining control over finances, withholding access to money, making the victim financially dependent or not allowing the victim to work or go to school.
According to a Consultant Psychiatrist at an earlier encounter, Dr. Oluyemi Ogun of the Federal Neuro Psychiatric Hospital, Yaba, Lagos, domestic violence can have an enormous effect on a woman’s mental health.
She says, “It is now well accepted that domestic abuse is often the main cause of depression, anxiety and other mental health disorders. It may also lead to sleep disturbances, eating disorders, drug abuse, suicide or attempted suicide.”
But then, what would make an otherwise loving partner turn abusive? Consultant Psychologist, Dr. Adeola Martins, says two most common reasons for intimate partner violence are alcohol abuse and uncontrollable anger. She says a person’s social standing, education or proper upbringing is no protection from improper behaviour during intoxication.
Again, she says, uncontrollable angry reactions could be as a result of the abuser’s perception of being humiliated by the spouse. “Just as in alcohol-induced violence, the aggressor loses both the capacity to reason and the ability to logically monitor his reactions. The next thing you see is that he pounces on his victim and will not be assuaged until he draws blood.”
Martins notes that in extreme cases, the abuser ‘rewires’ the victims psyche by giving her the impression that she can’t cope outside the abusive relationship, especially where the victim depends on the abuser for financial security.
She also says sometimes, where it’s the husband who abuses the wife, he might threaten to send her packing and deny her access to the children, especially if the children are still very young.
“That is why you see many women endure sordid abuse in the hands of their partners, sometimes leading to morbidity and, in many cases, death,” Martins says.
The Executive Director of Project Alert, a non-governmental organisation that caters to the needs of abused women and their children, Dr. Josephine Effah-Chukwuma, expresses surprise that a woman could continue in an abusive relationship, warning that you could only be addressed as a “Mrs.” When you are alive.
Her Sophia Home in the heart of Lagos rehabilitates women who have escaped abusive relationships. She cautions, “You might worry that seeking help could further endanger you and your children, or that it might break up your family. However, getting help is the best way to protect you and your children.”
Meanwhile, domestic violence has negative implications for children of the relationship, experts say. Professor of Guidance and Counselling at the University of Lagos, Mopelola Omoegun, notes that domestic violence affects children, even if they’re just witnesses.
She warns, “If you have children, remember that exposure to domestic violence puts them at risk of developmental problems, psychiatric disorders, problems at school, aggressive behaviour and, on the long run, low self-esteem.
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